Hangin’ with Mr. H

It’s not every day you get to rub elbows with royalty, especially when that royalty also happens to own your city’s football team. Who would have thought that by stopping for gas at a Flying J Travel Plaza would lead to an in-depth, sit-down conversation with the owner of one of football’s most storied franchises?

I mean, I was merely browsing through the clothing, as there seemed to be a pretty good selection of football jerseys – in particular some significant markdowns on jerseys that bore the name “Manziel” – and as I was checking the sizes, a voice behind me said. “Yeah, not one of my better moves.”

I turned around and found myself face-to-face with a man who looked to be in his late 60s and nattily attired in a brown and orange blazer with “Da Boss” stitched across the left pocket of the jacket.

As I was about to respond to the man, a woman appeared from another aisle. She was in a fancy brown and orange sweater which bore stitching like that on the man’s blazer, except hers read, “Dee Boss.”  

She snapped, “No kidding, Jimmy.” As she came closer, I also noticed a horizontal arrow in the middle of her sweater and pointing to her left. Beneath the arrow were the words, “I’m with stupid,” and since Jimmy was standing directly to her left, you could sort of sense who she was referring to.

Anyway, I introduced myself (as “Bob Woodward, Washington Post,” since I didn’t want to intimidate Jimmy if he realized that I was the guy who’d been trashing him for the last 10 years, which is, coincidentally, how long he’s owned the football team). I asked if he could spare a few moments for an impromptu interview, and he quickly agreed (after getting Dee’s permission).

The following are excerpts from our conversation.

Bob Woodward: Thanks for taking the time to chat with me. It’s quite an honor to talk to you.

Da Boss: The honor is all mine, Mr. Woodward. I’ll talk to anyone as long as it isn’t that idiot Jeff Bing, disguised – poorly, I might add – as a writer for the Westlake/Bay Village Observer.

BW: I’ve read some of his stuff. He should have been the one they impeached.

DB: Amen, brother. Now, what is on your mind?

BW: I think it’s safe to say that our readers would like to hear about the Deshaun Watson deal. A lot of people are upset that you paid so much – in money as well as draft picks – for a guy who possibly might not even play this year. Can you elaborate?

DB: Can I what?

BW: Can you expound?

DB: Can I what? You know, you’re starting to remind me of that idiot writer …

BW: Can you explain?

DB: Well, the draft picks were a simple miscommunication. See, it was lunch time when we made the deal, Dee and I were hungry, so Dee said, “Why not get a few Quarter-pounders?” Silly me. I thought she said, “Give them a few first-rounders.” So, I did. When you think about it, we pretty much stink at drafting guys anyway, so what’s the big deal?

BW: Jeez, look at the time. I’m afraid we’re going to have wrap this interview up. Just rest assured that the readers of the Observer will enjoy reading about …

DB: The Observer?? Hey, you’re that joker from Westlake – get back here! Dee, he did it again.