Humor

Alternative people, alternative facts

I became a presenter with The Institute for Learning in Retirement several years ago, with a course I called, “Lincoln and His War.” Each course is six 75-minute classes, one a week. I also presented this class last spring.

This year I thought I would put together a different class – deciding to do one I’m calling, “American Icons.” Each class would be an "in-person" talk by a noted American, portrayed by yours truly. After much thought my icons will be: Archibald Gracie IV – “I survived the sinking of the Titanic”; Teddy Roosevelt – “Speak softly and carry a big stick”; Wyatt Earp – “Doc Holiday and I: Our Gunfight at the OK Corral”; Ernest Hemingway – “My Moveable Writer’s Life”; Secret Service Agent Clint Hill – “Protecting the Kennedys”; and of course, Abraham Lincoln – “On Leadership.”

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Volume 9, Issue 7, Posted 9:16 AM, 04.04.2017

Go figure this!

The other day I looked in the fridge for my jar of apricot preserves. I pulled it out and to my surprise the lid was missing.

"What the heck did you do with the lid?" I asked myself. I began the search for the missing lid. I looked in the discard bag, emptying it out and sorting through the contents. Was it there? No! I searched high and low, every possible place it could be to no avail.

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Volume 8, Issue 20, Posted 10:25 AM, 10.18.2016

Words for a day

“That does it!” a Westlake woman willfully exclaimed. “After recently reading the word ‘wonky’ in a newspaper not once but twice, I thought it proper to look up its meaning rather than to guess at it. Heaven forbid that I would choose to use the term myself someday, I’d want to get it right!”

Upon feeling chuffed for being so conscientious, this Westlake word wonderer admitted that despite having at least half a dozen English dictionaries around the house and countless more in foreign languages, she couldn’t recall the last time she had picked one up.

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Volume 8, Issue 18, Posted 9:46 AM, 09.20.2016

Remembering my days as a talk-show host

When applying for positions in law and education, I would list my experiences, degrees, grades, skills and at the bottom, I had a one-line past experience: radio talk show host. To a person, the first thing I would be asked about in an interview was that radio show! 

How I got my own radio show is probably something they were wondering. I’m not exactly a conventional radio personality, although I suppose I’m somewhat conventional when it comes to small-town radio, which is what my show was broadcast on, not a major network. I have the kind of odd and uninteresting voice with a Pittsburgh accent that works out all right in life but would not work out on national radio.

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Volume 8, Issue 10, Posted 9:46 AM, 05.17.2016

Gilligan's Island? Try Gilligan's Knickerbocker

The Knickerbocker Apartments has a longtime resident cat. A sign on the door of Phyllis' apartment reads "Gilligan's Place." Gilligan is a black cat – who, by the way, is vice president-elect of the Knickerbocker (I kid you not) – that graciously allows the apartment's human tenant to cohabit "The Place" with her.

Before the days when the Bay Village Kiwanis provided us with plastic mailboxes by each apartment door, we had to bend in half to slip our communications under the door. For many of us seniors this wasn't the easiest feat to accomplish.

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Volume 8, Issue 10, Posted 9:42 AM, 05.17.2016

'Houdini' cat a master of escape

When Toetu came to live with us, we had no inkling that she was an escape artist. She liked to play in the front entryway where she could look through the screen door at the outside world. While looking at the outside, she was dreaming on how she could be part of the outdoors. Imagine our surprise when we discovered her wandering down the driveway in front of the garage.

How had she managed to get out of the house when all the doors were locked? Mystified, my husband called her name, scooped her up and brought her back in the house. Twenty minutes later, we were surprised once again to see her outside smelling the bushes alongside the driveway.

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Volume 8, Issue 6, Posted 10:05 AM, 03.15.2016

I have to laugh at myself

I've heard senior citizens say, "I wish I was young again." Guess what? I just realized that I have reverted to what's known as second childhood. I recently found myself telling people, "I'm 84 and a half." How many little folks have you heard telling someone, "I'm 4 and a half, or 5 and a half"? Both of us are proud of our age. I have to laugh at myself.

There was a time in my life several years back when out in a restaurant and I needed to use their rest room. I was just about to enter when a gentleman emerged and informed me, "This is the men's room!"

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Volume 8, Issue 6, Posted 10:07 AM, 03.15.2016

Happy as a clam!

Let’s hand it to Mother Nature: 2015’s transition from late summer into early fall afforded Westlakers and Bayites plenty of dazzling days with above-average temperatures and cool, crisp nights. What better conditions for walking in area parks, taking scenic bike rides, or exploring the locally grown bounty at area grocers and farmers’ markets!

When it comes to traditional autumn activities, clambakes bring a taste of the East Coast to the Westshore. For anyone thinking of hosting a clambake who is not sure where to start, rest easy. Local purveyors are prepared to provide all that’s needed! Otherwise, there’s no shortage of clambakes staged by local groups, restaurants, and homeowner associations. (If, however, you’re the one who will be picking up the tab, be ready to dish out some serious clams!)

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Volume 7, Issue 19, Posted 8:51 AM, 10.06.2015

Spring chores, more chores!

Chances are good that whoever coined: “A man may work from sun to sun but a woman’s work is never done,” neither hailed from Westlake nor Bay, nor lived in recent times, and definitely had no concept of gender equality.  

But this “old chestnut” applies to many residents – regardless of gender – in our neighboring communities. Some work truly is never done. In springtime, especially, we may find ourselves caught in a tug-of-war between everything requiring attention indoors and out.

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Volume 7, Issue 11, Posted 9:23 AM, 06.02.2015

DROP what you’re doing…

… As long as it’s not holding your kid over a cheetah pit, or salvaging your smartphone for trade-in, as not to drop a bundle.

This WBVO exclusive recounts how late in the morning of April 14 an area resident was seen running toward the easternmost entryway of the Westlake Post Office. Midway across the main lane, her smartphone suddenly went airborne, landing smack on the pavement behind her. At first, the older lady appeared relieved to see the phone and its protective case intact.

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Volume 7, Issue 8, Posted 9:34 AM, 04.21.2015

Was 'It' really that bad?

Winter-weary Westshore residents may wonder whether 2015’s official start of spring really means “business!” No lollygagging, now! Should the vernal equinox achieve its maximum potential, Friday, March 20, could signal that “It” (the 2014-2015 winter season) is finally behind us!

However, we who are wise to winter’s ways on Lake Erie’s south shore know that spring’s arrival doesn't assure that we’ve seen the last seasonal snowfall. Wouldn’t it be nice if it DID?

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Volume 7, Issue 6, Posted 9:55 AM, 03.17.2015

The New Year in briefs

Hello, January!  

Remember “Old Man 2014,” long beard, flowing robe, and all? Well, Father Time is yesterday’s news! Cherubic “Baby New Year” with his Jan. 1 debut sporting a diaper, top hat and sash is “in!” 

A reliable Westshore resident recently revealed that Baby New Year has since donned a snowsuit and is bracing for the balance of the Northeast Ohio winter that December forgot.

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Volume 7, Issue 1, Posted 9:45 AM, 01.06.2015

Any reservations about resolutions?

Turning over a new leaf and staying the course throughout the year requires a high level of commitment and dedication. Kudos to area residents who have not only kept their 2014 New Year’s resolutions but are about to embark on those they set for 2015! 

Chances are, they’re way ahead of many of their neighbors who may still be coming to terms with this year’s leaves, either literally or figuratively!

Wayne and Garth (of "Wayne’s World" fame, not well-known country singers) may speak for area “non-resolvers” by inimitably proclaiming, “we’re not worthy, we’re not worthy,” in lauding those who merit praise for their accomplishments.

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Volume 6, Issue 25, Posted 9:34 AM, 12.09.2014

You can laugh or you can cry…

The choice is simple when challenged with life’s everyday crises. Not sweating “the small stuff” is wise; why not the “medium stuff,” too?

Westshore residents in the habit of “laughing it off” may successfully defend themselves against routine annoyances. Some in our area could credit the perennial Reader's Digest feature, “Laughter, The Best Medicine” with instilling the notion that it really is!

What era in human existence has been devoid of hardship, war, aggression, violence, corruption and strife? Why haven’t several million years of walking upright and standing tall resulted in the human race embracing a standard of civilized behavior sufficient to make the world a better and safer place in which to live? “Too much slime,” Ghostbuster fans might say!

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Volume 6, Issue 24, Posted 9:27 AM, 11.25.2014

Halloween banter and malapropisms … bear them or not!

If you’re picking up this issue and it’s already November, we know how busy you’ve been carving pumpkins, getting the kids’ costumes ready, decorating the yard, handing out candy, brewing spiced pumpkin coffee or savoring a seasonal pumpkin brew after arduous hours of raking leaves! So what if you’ve missed the “witching hour?” There’s always next year!

All you have to do is clip this article and tuck it away with in your stash of rubber masks, freaky wigs, hats, capes, and other Halloween duds – not to be confused with Milk Duds. It will be right there when you need it! Rest assured, what follows will be just as bad this time next year!

Heads up: you might hit a small snag if your predominant wardrobe style is gothic or boho chic, since your Halloween garb may overlap with your regular wear. In this case, it’s up to you to figure out where to keep this article!

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Volume 6, Issue 22, Posted 9:38 AM, 10.28.2014

What bugs us?

Many bugs – especially mosquitoes, sweat bees, gnats, flies and midges – that persistently pursue us, bug us. Beneficial bugs, like bees, bug us when they sting, to put it mildly. Keeping in mind that stinging insects are more aggressive in late summer and early fall, it’s a good idea to swap cut-offs and flip flops for slacks, socks and shoes when walking in grassy areas. Swatting at stinging insects increases chances that we’ll soon be smarting!

Bugs in the house and ants in the pantry can join the list. What about moths in our woolens? Holy moley! (Shouldn’t that be “holey” moley?)

It’s little wonder that the word “bug” describes something that annoys or bothers us.

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Volume 6, Issue 19, Posted 10:08 AM, 09.16.2014

Puttin' on the brakes...

Yes, “puttin’,” with a double “t” and no “g,” as in “Puttin’ on the Ritz.” Did you just drop what you’re doing, grab an imaginary cane, and start tapping away?

Otherwise, you may be relaxing, savoring another sip of coffee, and enjoying “puttin’,” with a double “t,” for a change of pace.

While changing pace, who remembers when “Drivers Education” was offered at Bay Village and Westlake high schools? 

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Volume 6, Issue 16, Posted 9:31 AM, 08.05.2014

Looking for signs along the way

Although yellow, triangular signs depicting leaping deer may have been less prevalent in Westlake or Bay Village 30 or 40 years ago than today, longtime and newer residents alike definitely know what they mean! 

Do the deer care? Not really. They’re too busy looking for dinner! Courtesy of lush local landscape, deer find Friday night feasts faster than do hungry Westshore diners foraging for a dinner destination with less than a 40-minute wait!

How effective are these signs? By the time a buck or two have been bopped and signs erected, survival-minded deer could be crossing elsewhere. Are enough safety-minded motorists spotted pumping brakes and glancing side-to-side to warrant “jumping deer” signs? If so, good for those who do! For them, the signs are working!

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Volume 6, Issue 15, Posted 9:38 AM, 07.22.2014

More labels, please!

An extraterrestrial visitor observing Westshore inhabitants might note our penchant for labels. Some residents favor designer labels and clever product names can be catchy. Labels serve to warn and inform. So, what about “people” labels?  

Often slang, certain monikers stick while others simply don’t. Like poodle skirts and bell-bottomed pants, some are instantly recognizable by the decade from whence they originated. Others endure, just like denim jeans.

Beatniks, dudes, dorks, racks, greasers, preppies, cats, nerds, geeks, jocks, mods, bimbos, biddies, cougars, geezers, space cadets, freaks, grease monkeys, girly girls, bigwigs, fuddy duddies, molls, dollies, hipsters, hippies, yuppies, yippies, bridezillas, and milennials merely scratch the surface of ways in which to describe social, physical or behavioral characteristics.

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Volume 6, Issue 14, Posted 10:13 AM, 07.08.2014

So, what else is taxing?

The newsstand appearance of this edition on “tax day” should find Westshore residents who filed early sighing in relief. You can tell who they are. They’re the ones smiling and jauntily going about their normal routines.

Conversely, notice who calls off sick to work on tax day and then watch for their cars stacked in the long post-office queues when reported on the late-evening news.

Many refund checks have likely been spent by now, meaning it’s a long haul until the next IRS windfall, provided that the tax gods smile down on their subjects the next time around.

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Volume 6, Issue 8, Posted 10:19 AM, 04.15.2014

Boot boots, shoo shoes ... hello, sandals!

Since March roared in like a lion, it’s supposed to go out like a lamb. Here’s a word to the wise: before swapping shoes for sandals, one must first boot the boots!

The thought of treating one’s tootsies to sunlight and fresh air is uplifting. The challenge of removing crusty salt from trusty boots is daunting. Cleaning leather boots is a chore; restoring suede boots requires superior effort. Regardless of whether rock salt was abundantly applied until supplies ran short, or conserved for later in the season, the trade-off for traction is tolerating salt’s mess!

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Volume 6, Issue 6, Posted 9:25 AM, 03.18.2014

Irish for a day

Anybody doubting whether a significant number of non-Irish Greater Clevelanders feel a “wee bit Irish” on St. Patrick’s Day should consider the holiday’s broad appeal. Take note of Irish flags and decorations displayed at homes, offices and businesses around town.

Look no further than the grocers’ shelves to see amply stocked corned beef, stew meat, soda bread, Irish butter, cheese and beer. Who can miss the cookies, cupcakes and doughnuts slathered with green frosting? The enthusiasm is infectious and the holiday enjoyed by many.

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Volume 6, Issue 5, Posted 9:58 AM, 03.04.2014

Aaahhh...chooo! Dealing with the germs of the season

When ads tout there’s still time to get a flu shot and cold remedy coupons arrive weekly, winter’s not over yet. Even without a coupon, anyone who’s ailing but well enough to trudge into a 24-hour drug or grocery store rarely hesitates to buy relief at any price, provided it’s in stock!

So, what did we do before flu shots were de rigueur and abundantly available from doctors’ offices, convenient care clinics and an increasing number of local pharmacies (i.e., what’s more efficient than taking the shot, purchasing deodorant, diapers, disinfectant and picking up your favorite newspaper on a single visit?).

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Volume 6, Issue 3, Posted 10:25 AM, 02.04.2014

Thoughts while shoveling snow

Looking out the window: why did I think I couldn't afford a Caribbean vacation this year? Why didn't I give a case of Christmas Ale to that friend who has a pickup with a plow? Why did I bother to have a son if he's never home? 

At least I had the foresight to buy a snow thrower with an electric start. And fill the gas can last week. Even if it won't eat through that salt-hardened two-foot drift on my double-wide driveway apron.

Layers. And layers. Wool socks. Long underwear. The weather channel says it's 10 degrees but feels like minus-5. Do I really need to go anywhere? Other than St. Somewhere?

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Volume 6, Issue 2, Posted 10:25 AM, 01.21.2014

When silence is golden

With a quick show of hands, who merits a gold star for exemplary English usage? If unsure about how high to raise your arm, you are not alone. Rise up and reaffirm that English is not easy!

For instance, errors in choosing when to use: who/whom, affect/effect, its/it’s, lay/lie, (and the list goes on), commonly occur.

“Lay” and “lie” complicate matters because they’re irregular verbs that challenge those striving for their star. The simple past tense of lie (to recline) is lay and the past tense of lay (to put or place) is laid, and it’s all downhill from there. (No lying!) This is why “place the book on the table,” or, “he rested on the recliner” may be welcome workarounds.   

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Volume 6, Issue 2, Posted 10:25 AM, 01.21.2014

Turkey, dressing and did someone say 'latkes'?

The overlap of the 2013 Thanksgiving observance with the first day of Hanukkah is attracting ample media attention, and why not? The next such occurrence is at least 75,000 years away. Even with current medical advances, there’s no need to fret about what to gift the hostess just yet.

Were he still alive, Cleveland’s comedic musician/entertainer Mickey Katz (Meyer Myron Katz) might have been thrilled to get his arms around “Thanksgivukkah” as the combination holiday is called. Area residents may be more familiar with his son, actor Joel Grey (Joel David Katz) and granddaughter, actress Jennifer Grey.

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Volume 5, Issue 24, Posted 10:03 AM, 11.26.2013

Why wait? Winterize!

Delivering little more than frost on the pumpkins, October’s first Alberta Clipper was kind to West Shore residents but reminds those who haven’t finished winter preparations to act now.

The first chill of arctic air triggers a flurry of activity to ensure that snow throwers and furnaces operate correctly and chimneys are cleaned and inspected. Leaves are collected, lawns aerated and fertilized, spring bulbs planted and shrubs pruned.

Hunkering down for blustery, cold weather involves winterizing yard equipment, cars, boats, RVs and motorcycles. Some homeowners caulk foundations, upgrade insulation, and fix or replace weather stripping, gutters and roofs. Others may purchase doors, windows and siding for added comfort and energy savings. 

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Volume 5, Issue 23, Posted 10:18 AM, 11.12.2013

Halloween Fun

Hundreds of children arrived the day before Halloween. The Knickerbocker Senior Center is a safe, fun place to go trick-or-treating on Beggar's Night.

Seniors were in the main hallway, the game room and any other spot the children and adults could pass easily.The little muppets dressed in all types of costumes. The children were very polite and said thank you with very soft, cute voices. You should have seen the smiles on their parents' faces. Wow, it was great.

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Volume 5, Issue 23, Posted 10:12 AM, 11.12.2013

Collecting Quarters

Washing clothes is a boring but necessary chore. Mum always said to wear clean socks. I always answered,"OK mum, I'll change them."

That was great because mum had a washing machine and she did the family laundry. I live in an apartment and have to do my own laundry. Having enough quarters to feed two washing machines is a real challenge.

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Volume 5, Issue 20, Posted 9:37 AM, 10.01.2013

The Apple Orchard

When I was a very young boy my mom and dad and little sister would go to rural Ohio to visit my aunt and uncle. When we got there it was lunch time. My aunt told my uncle to go out to the apple orchard and bring something back to eat. By and by my uncle returned. My aunt made paprikash which is a Hungarian stew usually made with chicken.

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Volume 5, Issue 16, Posted 9:22 AM, 08.06.2013

A Strange Dream

One afternoon I called my lady friend to see if she would like to go to Huntington Beach the next day. We would pack a picnic lunch and watch the sail boats on the lake. My tripod and scope would give us a great view. My only worry was the steps from the top of the hill down to the beach. At my age, I was a little afraid of falling.

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Volume 5, Issue 15, Posted 9:49 AM, 07.23.2013

Never break a promise

My granddaughter was attending a summer science class in another school district. Picking her up after school was a nice grandfatherly thing to do. I'm bragging. Keep reading.

The class was running late, so my lady friend and I decided to wait for her in the car. It was a hot day. My granddaughter was hot and tired from working in the classroom and my lady friend and I were just hot. I decided something cool would be a treat. I asked the two ladies, one almost a teenager and the other more mature, if they they wanted to stop for ice cream. There was a double "Yes, please."

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Volume 5, Issue 14, Posted 9:49 AM, 07.09.2013

A Very Unusual Ride

A very good friend of mine called early the other morning. His car was in a parking lot across town. It wouldn't start. He asked me for a lift home and, of course, I said yes. I skipped breakfast, thinking we would eat when we got somewhere near home. My stomach began to remind me just how hungry I was as soon as I pulled out of the drive.

I picked my friend up and started driving back to the west side when we came across two big trucks that looked like giraffes. A large slender pole was attached to a bucket which was used to lift workers who were fixing power lines. The thin strands of wire reminded me of spaghetti. Great. My stomach was making rumbling noises by this time. Farther down the street a huge truck pulled an earth-moving machine. A side street was being torn up for repair.The condition of the street reminded me of peanut butter and jelly. How's that for a wild imagination?

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Volume 5, Issue 11, Posted 9:47 AM, 05.29.2013

Sandy's Storm

Well, it's been about six months since Sandy visited us. Rain, wind, downed trees, power outages and no heat or T.V. were what Sandy brought to town. With only an electric stove, I had no hot food. Dry cereal, cold canned food, what a treat. The stores were closed, the power lines were down, so what's a guy to do? Mixing powdered milk with cold water on dry cereal started to taste pretty good after awhile.

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Volume 5, Issue 10, Posted 10:18 AM, 05.14.2013

A Squirrel's Point of View

The bushy tailed brown squirrel scurried across the fence. He jumped to the ground next to the big brick building. He scratched his head. What are these stones doing here? The squirrel had buried his stash of berries and nuts in the ground here. When he left his stash there were only a few weeds and soft brown soil. Now the whole place was covered with fancy stones.

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Volume 5, Issue 8, Posted 10:46 AM, 04.16.2013